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07 June 2012 @ 12:46 am
Film Review: Battleship  
I want to vaguely justify my reasons for seeing this movie by saying that one of my favorite actors, Tadanobu Asano was in it. He's a megastar over in Japan and is the star of one of my favorite films. He was last seen in Thor and is obviously trying to make the Hollywood transition. I felt I had to at least give this film a viewing in order to support him.

I really wish he could know I did this because I deserve a medal for my dedication.


If you took the elements of Independence Day and meshed it with McHale's Navy, that would be this movie. Basically, aliens land in a part of the ocean where the naval forces of various countries are doing their exercises. The aliens put up some sort of force field, trapping the various ships and engage in an all out battle with their fancy alien technology. I would say that's the plot in a nutshell but the plot is way too thin to even be nutshelled. That's just the plot in total.

The star of this board game-inspired movie is Taylor Kitsch who was last seen in the failed John Carter of Mars adaptation and someone who is probably reconsidering some of his career choices at present. He's the film's talented-screw-up-turns-hero who gets to be bland in his heroism while trading initially hostile but later inspiring heroic words with Asano who is the captain of the Japanese vessel.

The highlight of this film (and by highlight I mean the moment I just gave into shrieks of incredulous laughter) is when the last crew standing literally plays battleship with the alien ships. I am not kidding. They actually sit at the helm and read off coordinates like A71, D34 and shout things like "miss!" and "hit!" depending on whether or not they nail an alien ship with their torpedoes. Someone even manages to sneak in a line about how no one is going to "sink this battleship."

I can only pray this film will soon end up on the Rifftrax rotation. It more than deserves to be on there.

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Astoundingly fond of avocados and rainy weather.: Avatar_FAIL!guardian_chaos on June 7th, 2012 08:00 am (UTC)
Asano is in this!? ASANO!? Last Life in the Universe and Tokyo Zombie's ASANO!? Sweet mercy, how did this happen to this poor man...? How? There must have been a breakdown in translation when it came to him being given this film's script/summary/EVERYTHING. There is no other explanation! The idea that Asano could end up in Battleship makes so little sense (EVEN THOUGH TOKYO ZOMBIE DIDN'T MAKE MUCH SENSE EITHER BUT I STILL WROTE FANFIC FOR IT FOR YOU THAT ONE TIME IF YOU RECALL SO I GUESS EVEN THAT WAS EXCUSABLE BUT MORE TO THE POINT IS HOW SHOCKING THIS ENTIRE SITUATION IS I JUST LGKSJDGKGSDKLH!!)...THE VERY TOUCH OF BATTLESHIP CORRUPTS. I do not understand!

Kindly forgive my uncontrollable capslock smashing. I need a gif to properly express my feelings, so here is one of an angry man deep in the throes of "internally screaming with rage."



Also, I somehow hadn't even realized it was Asano in Thor, and now I'm looking at pictures of him in that role and feeling really stupefied for not having noticed. Huh! Fascinating.

They actually sit at the helm and read off coordinates like A71, D34 and shout things like "miss!" and "hit!" depending on whether or not they nail an alien ship with their torpedoes.

I'm not sure any moment has ever been more deserving of a facepalm.

Please, I beg of you, bring out your "Tunes" icon. Bring balance back to this world! Don't let Asano's reputation be remembered this way.
formerly lifeinsomniac: AsanoTunesjoonscribble on June 7th, 2012 08:17 am (UTC)
Sweet mercy, how did this happen to this poor man...? How? There must have been a breakdown in translation when it came to him being given this film's script/summary/EVERYTHING.

Perhaps after his divorce, Asano went temporarily crazy.

Bring balance back to this world! Don't let Asano's reputation be remembered this way.

I had to rewatch "Last Life in the Universe" and "Cafe Lumiere" multiple times after this to get the taste of "Battleship" out.
Astoundingly fond of avocados and rainy weather.: SPN_D+B_Securityguardian_chaos on June 7th, 2012 11:10 pm (UTC)
The Tunes icon! Ah, I immediately feel reassured.

I have not seen "Cafe Lumiere." Good movie, I presume?
formerly lifeinsomniac: AsanoTunesjoonscribble on June 10th, 2012 01:48 am (UTC)
I have not seen "Cafe Lumiere." Good movie, I presume?

I will admit that at times, Cafe Lumiere gets dull. But I do enjoy the quiet friendship and love that never goes beyond platonic between Asano's character and the main woman of the film.
X-parrot: wormholes suckxparrot on June 7th, 2012 08:46 am (UTC)
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH THEY ACTUALLY WORKED IN COORDINATE HIT-AND-MISSES AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

(wondering whether or not they would actually go so far was my only possible motivation for seeing that movie. Thank you for informing my curiosity so that I can skip the film itself! XD)
formerly lifeinsomniac: ruletheworldjoonscribble on June 7th, 2012 08:57 am (UTC)
Happy to have been of service! If it means one less person sees this film, I know I've made the world a brighter, safer place.
aelfgyfu_mead: Horribly wrongaelfgyfu_mead on June 7th, 2012 01:04 pm (UTC)
When I first saw an ad for that movie, I thought it was a joke. I didn't think anyone really made a movie of that. I wasn't sure what the point of the joke was. I finally saw a preview in the theater and said to BH, "That's a real movie?"
kensiegkensieg on June 7th, 2012 04:19 pm (UTC)
I liked the John Carter movie. Thank you for verifying that Battleship really is as awful as I thought it was going to be.